Dispatch from the Razor's Edge, the Blog of Michael Stephen Fuchs
2008.03.03 : A Thing I'm Looking Forward To
Dancing A Jig On That Cocksucker Bin Laden's Grave
"Bin Laden and his followers have achieved exactly the opposite of what they had in mind. Things will probably have to get worse first . . . but September 11, mark my words, was the beginning of the end of Islam as we know it."
- Aayan Hirsi Ali,
The Caged Virgin
"I mean, this is a guy who, three months ago, was in control of a country. Now he's maybe in control of a cave."
- GW Bush, 28 December 2001

You know, we all feel a little down sometimes. Some days are better than others. But, lately, whenever I'm feeling blue, I like to think about a little something I have to look forward to:

Dancing on that cocksucker bin Laden's grave.

Because, you know what? We're going to get him. You know we're going to get him. Might happen this month; might happen a few years from now. But that cocksucker's number is going to come up. And there's just a little something we all have to look forward to.

I'm well aware of the size of Pakistan's NW frontier province. But, let me tell you something: When you've got organisations like Task Force 145 out there looking for you – and please understand that TF145 consists of elements from Delta Force, SEAL Team 6, the Army's 75th Ranger Regiment, the CIA (including the Special Operations Group, their paramilitaries), and the Intelligence Support Activity (aka The Activity, the guys who flew around over Columbia collecting signals intelligence until Pablo Escobar was retired – with a headshot) – you can only keep yourself alive so goddamned long. Put another way: the most highly trained, technologically saavy, and overall most completely bad-ass operators in the world – quite a lot of the world's total population of them, in fact – are doing nothing but devoting themselves and all their resources, day in and out, to scouring the mountainsides and villages and running this guy to ground.

And an increasing number of countries in the region, and in the world in fact, are democratic and pluralistic with consensual governments and a commitment to stomping out 7th-century theocratic mass-murdering-for-god shitbirds and joining modernity and getting on with the serious business of making art and money and decent lives for people. And those guys are all helping.

And, so – and I don't know, call me hopelessly optimistic, or maybe just flailing around for something to feel good about – but I've got this really good feeling that bin Laden's running really low on good joss. He's into the bottom of the barrel of good mojo, fingering his last "Get Out Of Guantanamo Free" card. I'm thinking he's in caves in the really bad part of town, dealing with leaking roofs and neighbours with noisy donkeys. And I'm guessing he's having to spend an increasingly large portion of his rapidly dwindling inherited fortune – bear in mind we're also putting the major kibosh on terrorist financial networks – on bribes for keeping himself in videotape and beard dye, and away from informers and out of the hands of the good guys. In fact, I'm going to go way out on a very pleasant limb and predict that before before George Bush leaves office we will see a fulfillment of his promise to "bring the terrorists to justice or bring justice to the terrorists".

And you know what I'm going to do on that singularly happy day? I'm going to have a party. A huge freaking party, with everyone I know invited, and really top-shelf liquor and hors d'oerves, and all of it on me. I may even rent a big room. And I'm going to make big posterboard posters with hand drawings of bin Laden in his turban and an orange jumpsuit and a huge cock in his mouth. Irshad Manji, the Ugandan-born Canadian writer, vocal critic of Islam, and lesbian, has been described as "bin Laden's worst nightmare". Well, soon, I hope and trust, she's going to have go up against "prison sodomy" for that enviable title.

Anyway, I'm going to have a big party, and I'm going to do a little jig. And while capital punishment is, in my view, an abomination, on most every level, nonetheless the U.S. has got it and bin Laden will most likely get it – and that does leave open the intriguing prospect that, before my days are done, I will get to dance a jig on that cocksucker's grave.

A Partial Guide To Al Qaeda N00bs We Have Pwn3d To Date
(If they'd have left us alone, we would have let them alone . . .)
N00b Background Status

Mohammed Haydar Zammar
German citizen who hung out in Hamburg (eating hamburgers full-time, judging by the size of him) with Mohammed Atta and crew. Arrested in Morocco after fleeing Germany in wake of 9/11. Deported by the Moroccans to Syria, where subject to less gentle interrogation than he'd have gotten in US, and coughing up much good intel.

Ali Abdul Rahman al-Ghamdi
Top AQ guy in Saudi Arabia, masterminded the deadly 2003 bombings in Riyadh. Surrendered to Saudis shortly after 9/11 – most likely because his family was on the verge of ratting him out.

Mohammed Atef
Egyptian policeman – and member of Islamic Jihad. One of bin Laden's most important lieutenants and military commander of al-Qaeda. Planned African embassy bombings. Probably instigated the attacks on U.S. forces in Somalia. Appeared in video with bin Laden showing planning of 9/11. His home near Kandahar was selected for field testing of US precision-guided munitions in November 2001. They worked.

Richard Reid
British-born petty criminal, jailed for a string of muggings, and while in prison converted to Islam and became avowed follower of bin Laden. Gang-tackled and pwn3d by American Airlines passengers in December 2001, while trying to light his shoe. Pled guilty at trial, now back in jail – this time for life.

Abu Zubaydah
Bin Laden's "field commander". In this role, he headed up plans to bomb hotels in Jordan, blow up the US Embassy in Sarajevo, and attack the U.S. Embassy in Paris – ALL FAILED. Captured in Pakistan in March 2002. Currently kickin' it in Gitmo.

Ramzi Binalshibh
Joined al-Qaeda cell in Hamburg, Germany – after being granted asylum there – where he helped plan 9/11. Picked up in Pakistan in September 2002, now sunning himself in Gitmo.

Abd al-Rahim al-Nashiri
Saudi-born terrorist who came up with idea of ramming a US ship with explosives. First attempt failed catastrophically when boat, overloaded with explosives, began to sink. Second attempt worked, killing 17 sailors on the USS Cole. Nabbed in November 2002 in UAE. Currently kicking it in Gitmo. Also sentenced to death in absentia in Yemen.

Ali Qaed Senyan al-Harthi
Bin Laden's bodyguard, and planner of USS Cole attack. Fled to remote area of Yemen, where he escaped an attempt by Yemeni government forces to nab him, killing 18 soldiers. Much less lucky in November 2002, when he was happily tooling down the road with five buddies, and all of them were blown to smithereens by a Hellfire missile (they don't call them that for nothing) fired from an aircraft that was being piloted by a guy in the next country (i.e. a Predator drone). US soldiers killed: 0. Al Qaeda guys in Harthi's car killed: all of them.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed
AQ #3 who came up with original idea of flying planes full of screaming people into buildings full of people doing something useful. Also bravely hacked head off of hog-tied reporter Daniel Pearl. Dragged out of safehouse in Pakistan in his jammies (evidently after a big night out) in Pakistan in March 2003. Currently recovering in Gitmo, and consulting with his lawyers before going on trial for his crimes, at which point the world will condemn the trial process.

Amjad Farooqi
Pakistani who rose through ranks of Sunni militants. Also failed to assassinate Musharraf, but managed to behead a defenseless reporter. Came out on the losing end of a two-hour gun battle with Pakistani soldiers in May 2004.

Abu Faraj al-Libbi
Libyan mastermind of two failed assassination attempts on Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf. This stellar record got him promoted to AQ 3rd in command, after KSM pwn3d. With 5 other AQ N00bs, lost a gun battle in Waziristan in May 2005. In U.S. custody.

Zacarias Moussaoui
French citizen of Moroccan descent, he was the 9/11 hijacker who didn't make his flight. Arrested at flight simulator school in August 2001 on immigration charges. Sentenced to life in prison by a U.S. court in May 2006.

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
Jordanian with a long history of murdering, or attempting to murder, Americans, Israelis, and moderate Muslims around the world. Most recently headed up al Qaeda's now failed campaign against the US in Iraq – major tactics included deadly suicide and mosque bombings against Shi'a Muslims. In June 2006, two US F-16s dropped a pair of laser-guided 500lb bombs on his afternoon meeting. One of his key lieutenants, Sheik Abd-Al-Rahman, was killed instantly – but Zarqawi took nearly an hour to die, during which time he was probably unamused by the irony of medical care being provided by U.S. soldiers on the scene.

Omar al-Farouq
Bin Laden's top lieutenant in South East Asia, linked to Bali bombings which killed more than 200. Arrested in Indonesia, passed to US authorities, only later to escape from the detention centre at Bagram. While on the run, posted taunting videos in which he declared, "The Americans will not be able to stop the march of jihad… with their checkpoints, forces, machinery, advanced equipment. No matter how strong or equipped they are, they will not defeat the Almighty." Failed to account for the Brits, who in September 2006 were tipped off to his hideout in Basra, and sent 200 of Her Majesty's soldiers to get him. Turned into a very one-sided gun battle, which Farouq lost very badly indeed. Zero British casualties.

Abd al-Hadi al-Iraqi
Senior al-Qaeda operational commander planning attacks around the world. On his way to Iraq, in April 2007, to take over AQ operations after al-Zarqawi vaporized. Didn't make it. Currently in U.S. custody.

Mounir al-Motassadek
Morrocan student in Germany, trained in al Qaeda camp in Afghanistan, signed Mohammed Atta's will – but claimed he knew nothing about 9/11, but just liked to hang out with the hijackers for good-hearted anti-US bull sessions. A German court disagreed, making him the first person convicted, for being an accessory to the 9/11 murders.

Abu Hazim al-Shair
Bin Laden bodyguard, listed high on list of 19 most-wanted al Qaeda in Saudi Arabia. Badly lost a gunfight with Saudi security forces near Riyadh in March 2004.

  al qaeda     humour     middle east     terrorism     the long war     the military  
about
close photo of Michael Stephen Fuchs

Fuchs is the author of the novels The Manuscript and Pandora's Sisters, both published worldwide by Macmillan in hardback, paperback and all e-book formats (and in translation); the D-Boys series of high-tech, high-concept, spec-ops military adventure novels – D-Boys, Counter-Assault, and Close Quarters Battle (2014); and is co-author, with Glynn James, of the bestselling Arisen series of spec-ops zombie apocalypse dark action thrillers. The second nicest thing anyone has ever said about his work was: "Fuchs seems to operate on the narrative principle of 'when in doubt put in a firefight'." (Kirkus Reviews, more here.)

Fuchs was born in New York; schooled in Virginia (UVa); and later emigrated to the San Francisco Bay Area, where he lived through the dot-com boom. Subsequently he decamped for an extended period of tramping before finally rocking up in London, where he now makes his home. He does a lot of travel blogging, most recently of some very  long  walks around the British Isles. He's been writing and developing for the web since 1994 and shows no particularly hopeful signs of stopping.

You can reach him on .

THE MANUSCRIPT by Michael Stephen Fuchs
PANDORA'S SISTERS by Michael Stephen Fuchs
DON'T SHOOT ME IN THE ASS, AND OTHER STORIES by Michael Stephen Fuchs
D-BOYS by Michael Stephen Fuchs
COUNTER-ASSAULT by Michael Stephen Fuchs
ARISEN, Book One - Fortress Britain, by Glynn James & Michael Stephen Fuchs
ARISEN, Book Two - Mogadishu of the Dead, by Glynn James & Michael Stephen Fuchs
ARISEN : Genesis, by Michael Stephen Fuchs
ARISEN Book Three - Three Parts Dead, by Glynn James & Michael Stephen Fuchs
ARISEN Book Four - Maximum Violence, by Glynn James & Michael Stephen Fuchs
ARISEN Book Five - EXODUS, by Glynn James & Michael Stephen Fuchs
ARISEN Book Six - The Horizon, by Glynn James & Michael Stephen Fuchs
ARISEN, Book Seven - Death of Empires, by Glynn James & Michael Stephen Fuchs
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