Dispatch from the Razor's Edge, the Blog of Michael Stephen Fuchs
Best [Sic] of People of Walmart

Well, those of you who've been tuning in regularly will have clocked that the long dispatch drought was due to me trying to get my new book finished; and the subsequent flood was me celebrating being done!

What you won't know is that the subsequent interregnum was due to me only having thought I was done, but my agent knowing better, sending the book back, and telling me it will be done when he damn well says it's done and, oh, when it's 37,000 words shorter.

This dispatch is me actually being done. Maybe. Gulp. And this is a threat kept from the Look At This F*&%ing Hipster VERSUS People of Walmart Best Of Smack-Down, when I ran out of hipsters before people of Walmart. Dispatch from the Razor's Edge: trawling the depths of horrifying microsites for the good stuff, so you don't have to! Enjoy! [sic] (All captions © POWM.)



Job well done.


I like it 3 houses down with someone else.


Anybody remember the fruit snack “Gushers”? Now I’m not saying anything else, I’m just saying….Gushers. They’re delicious. Good luck enjoying them ever again.


I’d like to see K-Fed here run into a black bear.


I’m hardcore ’til the end, you can’t pretend, granny’s rap scares you so bad you fill up your Depends.


I’ve heard of parents buying booze for their kids, but this is just ridiculous.


The elusive thug-skullet……quite a rare appearance. Enjoy!


And you wonder why I hate surprise parties. Everyone is mean, and I always end up leaving scarred for life.


I challenge you to think of a better animal to put in the back of a better ride. It can’t be done, so don’t waste your time.


I can’t wrap my head around that much irony….not possible.


Sure it might be “normal” or “socially acceptable” to wear a shirt out, but lets face it, it would be just cruel and unfair to hide all that glory from the rest of the world.


You ever wonder what would happen if you microwaved one of those tubes of Pillsbury rolls?


I think that triangle is a scratch-n-sniff. Go on, try it.


Now go on! Get up there and get me my damn Fanta!


Well it’s about time! I was so sick of seeing everyone’s knees out in public. Thank you for covering them up young man, at least you have a sense of common decency.


Well I’ve always said Subway sandwiches are all fillers and barely have any meat, usually leaving me unsatisfied.


Preach on brother! I too am sick of being used and discarded like an object.


Hahaha! Look at the skinny, small, elderly guy with the “Born to Kill” shirt. Hahaha! Yeah, you go ahead and test him tough guy, ’cause I’ve never seen a person killed by a 2 liter of Squirt before and I’ve decided that’s something that I want to see.


Tyson has a face tattoo, but does he have the matching hat? Yeah, didn’t think so. Your move Iron Mike.


Dear Mrs. Adams, it was cute to dress your boys Grizzly and Cletus alike when they were two years old, but at 65? Not so much.


At what point does a person just say “F*ck it, I don’t need to put on shoes or pants”? Most people in the world would put pants on to walk into another room of the house, or if not that, then they would put some on if they are going to the street to get their mail. You made it to Walmart.


Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake. Shake your booty. Actually, please refrain from any further movement. My stomach couldn’t possibly take any more.


Now kids, much like how you can determine a tree’s age by its rings, you can also judge the level of “party” in a person by the length of the mullet. Write that down.


Sure honey, I’ll go get the car for you. That long walk could be detrimental to your health.


Unfortunately there isn’t a pool of water anywhere near here, so I’ll have to do something other than drown myself to escape this hell.


What are the odds that the one spot we would actually like covered in camo isn’t? Sadly, at this point, I’d say those odds are up to about 87%.


“Will you….wear matching jorts for the rest of your life with me?” Hell Yeah!


Just in case homeboy here catches too much wind in his ’82 Geo Metro on the way back to his mom’s house, he definitely won’t lose that sweet ass hat.


And I’m sure she is super pumped that you are letting everyone know that. However, I am curious if the carpet matches the rastafarian-style drapes.


Hey, you got something on your face. No, it’s next to the shame. Nope, on the other side of your depression. You know what, don’t worry about it. Looks good as is.


Bringing a picture of the girl from Napoleon Dynamite to your hairdresser is never a good idea. Remember that ladies.


Someone go tell this guy what “just hanging out” actually means.


You tattoo your bike logo on your head and look menacing, but when I do it all I hear is laughing from behind and people saying “Why the hell would you tattoo Vespa on the back of your head?!”


Well the good news is that we were able to crown our top mother from Mother’s Day! Congratulations?


Well obviously the front basket is full so she couldn’t ride E.T. style which doesn’t leave her many other unsafe transportation options.


I guarantee that nobody in the country HAS ever, CAN ever, or WILL ever rock out as hard as these two in Walmart. End of story.


Okay, I know the shirt has strings, and I’m no Louis Vuitton, but I’m pretty sure those strings weren’t designed to hang on for dear life.


Ninja(n. pl.) – a covert agent or mercenary specializing in unorthodox arts of war such as assassinations and sabotage. See if you can spot the world’s worst Ninja.


Man, you should see Bambi…she’s pumped!


Why are all these guys following me everywhere?


See what happens when Pittsburgh misses the playoffs! They go crazy and revert back to mullets and the days of Kordell “Slash” Stewart. Hope you are happy NFL.


Our moonshine friend is back, and this time he is sporting what I have to assume is the coolest cane this side of the Mississippi.


Baby girl, your shirt is shredded, I’m absolutely shredded, our baby’s name is Shredder. People are gonna know we are the most badass family ever!


This is more of a “Who doesn’t wear it better?” This is a tough decision because obviously both Mr. Tank-top tan and Mr. Saggy bottoms have what it takes to pick up ladies, which is actually more surprising than the fact that they’re shirtless. Personally I’m partial to Mr. Saggy bottoms for doing it without the summer beachwear, but that’s just me.


Ohhh, if only your parents were given that advice.


You are all that is EPIC! I want you to rent yourself out so much it hurts. I would hire you to just show up at any special event and just stand there exactly like this, rocking it out. Birthdays, Barmitzvah, company meetings, Christmas, you name it, it would rock. In fact just go ahead and pencil in the next wedding i attend, cause you're officially my +1.


The last known survivor stalks his prey in the night.


I guess when nobody else takes the throne somebody has to step up to the plate.


Toss in some cat food and you have the loneliest grocery list EVER!


Aggghhhh!!! Okay, who’s takin one for the team?


It looks like their parents brought the babysitter to Walmart with them.


Dear white people, none of you look good with cornrows! Just stop it. You don’t see black or latino people with bowl cuts, because they know better.


Well you know what they say everything is smarter, classier, sexier, less offensive, bigger in Texas.


I can’t tell you how many times I’ve left my basement meth lab forgetting to take off my gloves and put on my sleeves!


Alabama, you win the national championship and take it to Walmart. You are making this easier than Colt McCoy did.


When you know you got it, you can’t even try hiding it. It’s as if a golden retriever was transformed into a glorious man!


This new healthcare bill is getting totally out of control.


Fantastic! Fantastic! Hey, by the way, where does your town happen to rank on the list of cities with the most cases of diabetes per capita and also least amount of teeth per capita? Oh, you nailed the top spot for those too? Fantastic again! You’re killin’ it WV.


Weighing your options.


Wow folks, we have been fortunate enough to obtain footage of the rare hawk-mullet: half mullet half mohawk. On a side note, we are awaiting confirmation on whether or not this is Mr.T & Sitting Bull’s illegitimate son.


Show me…potato salad!


Yeah, well my other wife is your hog…wait. Dammit that doesn’t work. Cherish this win because I’m guessing you haven’t had many in life.


Hershey’s has a new butterscotch chip! Now, somebody go get us a few barrels of cookie dough.


Hmmm, is there a wedding nearby? Because for some reason that kid is doing the Electric Slide…..? You can’t see it, it’s electric, boogie woogie, woogie!?


Who has more style than the Baconator? Huh? HUH?!!! That’s what I thought! Bacon tastes great on everything!…..well, almost everything.


Here is a safety tip for the rest of you so you don’t have to wear a helmet and pads while shopping: When you see someone this prepared for injury in the frozen food section, drop the Lean Cuisine and get the hell out of his way because he is on a mission.


Nothing like starting your Monday with some old good bestiality!


DON’T FALL FOR IT, IT’S OBVIOUSLY A TRICK!!


I think the only way that dog could look any cooler is if someone were to give him a cigar right now.


Thank you for your comfortable steel benches!


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about
close photo of Michael Stephen Fuchs

Fuchs is the author of the novels The Manuscript and Pandora's Sisters, both published worldwide by Macmillan in hardback, paperback and all e-book formats (and in translation); the D-Boys series of high-tech, high-concept, spec-ops military adventure novels – D-Boys, Counter-Assault, and Close Quarters Battle (2014); and is co-author, with Glynn James, of the bestselling Arisen series of spec-ops zombie apocalypse dark action thrillers. The second nicest thing anyone has ever said about his work was: "Fuchs seems to operate on the narrative principle of 'when in doubt put in a firefight'." (Kirkus Reviews, more here.)

Fuchs was born in New York; schooled in Virginia (UVa); and later emigrated to the San Francisco Bay Area, where he lived through the dot-com boom. Subsequently he decamped for an extended period of tramping before finally rocking up in London, where he now makes his home. He does a lot of travel blogging, most recently of some very  long  walks around the British Isles. He's been writing and developing for the web since 1994 and shows no particularly hopeful signs of stopping.

You can reach him on .

THE MANUSCRIPT by Michael Stephen Fuchs
PANDORA'S SISTERS by Michael Stephen Fuchs
DON'T SHOOT ME IN THE ASS, AND OTHER STORIES by Michael Stephen Fuchs
D-BOYS by Michael Stephen Fuchs
COUNTER-ASSAULT by Michael Stephen Fuchs
ARISEN, Book One - Fortress Britain, by Glynn James & Michael Stephen Fuchs
ARISEN, Book Two - Mogadishu of the Dead, by Glynn James & Michael Stephen Fuchs
ARISEN : Genesis, by Michael Stephen Fuchs
ARISEN Book Three - Three Parts Dead, by Glynn James & Michael Stephen Fuchs
ARISEN Book Four - Maximum Violence, by Glynn James & Michael Stephen Fuchs
ARISEN Book Five - EXODUS, by Glynn James & Michael Stephen Fuchs
ARISEN Book Six - The Horizon, by Glynn James & Michael Stephen Fuchs
ARISEN, Book Seven - Death of Empires, by Glynn James & Michael Stephen Fuchs
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