2002.09.18 : Random Smack!
(From the American Highway)
Dateline: Spartanburg-ish, South Carolina
"Quality Hotel" [sic]
FACTOID: The state of North Carolina built its Vietnam War Veterans Memorial as part of one of its Interstate Highway 85 South rest stops. It has multiple sand-filled ashtrays built in to the outlying arms of the structure.
SOME ALTERNATE METHODS OF SPEED LIMIT ENFORCEMENT – OTHER THAN, BUT NO LESS INTIMIDATING THAN, "BY AIRCRAFT" – THAT WE'D AT LEAST LIKE TO SEE SIGNS FOR:
- Speed Limit Enforced By Dragons
- Speed Limit Enforced By Artillery
- Speed Limit Enforced By Spiked Pits With Trap Doors
- Speed Limit Enforced By Physical Constraints Inherent In The Standard Model Of Particle Physics
- Speed Limit Enforced By Vikings
- Speed Limit Enforced By Normative Standards, Peer Pressure, And Basic Modern Western Acculturation
- Speed Limit Enforced By Flamethrowers
- Speed Limit Enforced By State Department Of Corrections Inmates, Guys Up On 20-Year-Plus Bits For Unspeakably Violent Acts, Specially Transported Out To Our Nation's Highway Shoulders, And Armed With Shivs And Brickbats
- Speed Limit Enforced By YOUR MOM! ("Arrggh, your mom!")
QUIZ!: Which of the following are North Carolina Attractions (according to the wall displays in the Visitor Center at the above-referenced rest stop), and which are Bowel Disorders?
A. Crohnsanswer key
B. Carowinds
C. Colitis
D. Hanging Rock
E. Loose Stool
F. Roaring Gap
FACTOID: Huge Cigarettes are (evidently) widely available at numerous Outlets throughout North Carolina.
TRAVELERS TIP (1): If you're broken down on the side of the highway in rural South Carolina [sic] waiting for a tow truck, and you've maybe been slugging away quite a lot of bottled water while bopping down the road, it is possible, at least if you're of the convex gender, to open both passenger-side doors, and – hidden between them – pretty discreetly urinate right from the passenger seat onto the grassy shoulder.
TRAVELERS TIP (2): If you're looking to generate some really authentic and pleasingly dramatic billowing clouds of steam from under your hood, as you're pulled over on the shoulder in rural South Carolina, it appears that a broken water pump is the hands-down winning solution. But be advised – new water pumps appear to cost ~$USD350.00, and can't necessarily be installed the same day. (*).
Which, if you were wondering about where you could find like an original, first-generation stationary exercise bicycle, with like an actual little manual egg-timer attached to it, to time your workout, one is in the exercise room here. (hide)
I know because I slept there last night (the rest stop). You know: rugged adventure, and independence, and really exciting things. Also, because neither April nor Dana rushed to offer to share a bed with me. <pout> (hide)
Seemingly no matter if you are really polite, and deferential, and non-impatient, and self-effacing, with the nice, gap-toothed Certified Master Mechanic who runs the local auto repair Mecca.
(hide)
But don't ya'll worry about me. I got in a nice, authentically bumpy stationary bike ride and some weight lifting, and now I've laid in a large stock of bananas, apples, strawberries, salad stuff, pickles, and Diet Sprite from the Bi Lo [sic], and I've got some Cibo Matto on the laptop that I ripped from Joe & Laura, and CNN. Back in Atlanta tomorrow, in plenty of time for Mom's birthday. No worries.
(hide)
